What's happening

I don't have a lot of time to write, because i have tons of other stuff to do right now.
School has started, and I think I'm depressed.

Reasons I'm depressed:

1. High school as I know it is over. Not only am I separated from half my class due to a "senior campus," but I also take just about all the music classes. I thought this was a good idea at the time, but now I'm regretting it. I hardly ever roam the halls with my nonmusic friends anymore. Half of them aren't there anyway, but I never even see anything other than the music suite and one physics class at the main campus. Senior campus is nice, but it's almost too much like a college, for me. Not enough time between classes to say hi to people, and we pretty much get there and leave as the bells ring. I don't get to enjoy much of the good ol' high school culture anymore. I wish I knew about all these changes before, while I was still part of it. Maybe then I would have cherished and appreciated it more. Now I'm grown up.

2. Speaking of grown up. I'll be eighteen in two days. I am NOT happy. That means I'm an adult. I have to do my own laundry, manage my own finances, sign up for colleges on my own, and vote. Not to mention I have to think about how I'm going to get by when I go off to college... if I get into college. None of these things I want to do, particularly now, when the world is falling apart around me. Honestly, I don't see how ANYONE wants to be an adult in this day and age. We're reaching the end of good humanity in so many ways. And no matter how much we want to change it, we really can't. I just want to be an innocent kid again, where the only problems you have are whether or not mom tucked you in at night. Oh, if only I could return to those days!!

3. School is hard. I was always excited for it, but now it seems like it's finally rearing its ugly side at me. I'm only taking four REAL classes, but I already feel a little over my head. Three of them are college-level, which used to be a fun challenge for me but now it seems almost impossible. I have papers to write and chapters to read and hours to spend doing things like observe subcultures and volunteer at polling places. Yuck. And on top of schoolwork, I've got work and church to juggle as well. And I STILL want to do theater, which brings me to another point...

4. This year, the things I really used to love just aren't the same. Choir, theater, band... it's all changed. I'm not in the Auditioned Concert Band because of scheduling issues, so I'm stuck in symphonic band with a bunch of juniors I never really wanted to be friends with. They're nice people, but they all seem so young and they cling to me as if I were this amazing goddess, but I'm not. I'm a girl who wants to be left alone with her music and books and close friends. And it seems like there's no close friends anymore. Choir is so empty... devoid of all things familiar. Thaddeus is gone, my Wench is gone, Mr. Bendyflex is gone... and I'm still pining over the loss of people like Luther Kid who graduated two classes ago!! Theater's the same way. Sure, there's still the music and some pretty good friends like Dake and Death and others... and Freestyle seems pretty fun, but after all-state and after those years with such close friends, things are just not the same and they don't have that fun in them anymore.

5. I have been talking to Thaddeus a lot about some really deep stuff, and it's upsetting to me. A week and a half ago, he called me and we talked mostly about whether or not I should go into performing arts, or whether or not I should date. Thaddeus kept saying that I was denying myself opportunities by thinking with such a closed mind, but I don't think I am!!! He always lectures me about things that I am already perfectly content with. We are so different. I am just fine -- happy -- when I have order, rules, and God. He's so interested in "freedom" and "rights." Yesterday on the phone we talked basically all about religion and politics. I hate talking to people about those topics, because my beliefs and opinions are SO different from other people!! Especially him. He's a strong democrat and a strong agnostic. I just can't relate to him and he can't relate to me. He called Mormons "patronizing" and "blindly led." But he's looking at it from a very outside perspective. You need to be converted -- truly converted -- to understand our values. It's a life, not just a thought. He's such a free spirit, I don't think he could ever understand or appreciate what I believe. And as for politics, my spirituality is strongly linked to them, so the reasons why I don't approve of abortion or gay marriage or liberalism in general are so ETERNAL in perspective. If you don't believe in religion, you can't believe in political standings the same way I do. I'd rather just not talk about it and keep my beliefs to myself. That way I won't get caught in an unsolvable, unwinnable debate with anybody.
But he kept asking and pursuing and debating!!! I was up until two o' clock last night "discussing" these unanswerable questions. And he would use this airy, "wise" voice that made him sound stupid and it got me riled up. Plus, I just HATED disagreeing with him. I felt like I was creating a rift between us, whether or not I liked it. I still want to be his friend, I still love him. But I'm afraid he won't love me as much anymore. I'm afraid I won't be able to talk to him the same way anymore. I wish he'd at least get rid of that stupid voice.... it sounded like he was talking down to me. Like he was God. He's not. I might have thought he was once, but I don't anymore. He has convinced me of nothing.
I just want him to succeed... and at the rate he's going, I'm afraid he never will. I always end my conversations with him much sadder than when I started them. Not because I miss him, but because the more I know him, the more I realize how different we are, and the more worried I get about the next time we talk.

I don't think I'm like clinically depressed or anything. Because unlike clinically depressed people, or those who THINK they're clinically depressed, I don't need a pill to make me happy. I have music, good friends, and my wonderful Savior to help me. I need not be discouraged. Everything that is happening to me is happening for a reason. I need to take these opportunities as opportunities to learn. One good thing I got out of that conversation with Thaddeus was this: I have been truly converted. I have such an assurance that my church is true that I could NEVER, EVER back down from it. I am so thankful that I have that knowledge!!!