Today, Dreams, Dake, Thaddeus, and Music.

I did a lot today.

Well, sort of. I slept in a lot because, as you may know, I stayed up really late last night. But when I got up, I showered, practiced my pit music, mowed the lawn, massaged my grandmother's back, and clean up a little.

I am very tired now.

My friend Thunderchild has been talking about dreams she's had. I, for one, have not had many dreams these days, which is sort of depressing. I used to have dreams all the time. I'd write them down and share them with my friends and analyze them. But now there's nothing. I wake up every morning with nothing but the morning on my mind. My friend Dake told me that you are guaranteed to have dreams if you imagine a blue cloud/liquid flowing to the back of your head. Something about chokras or whatever.... Dake's been very weird these days. He likes ouija boards and auras and stuff like that. Not quite the stuff I'm into. We are very different people, but everyone says we'd make a cute couple. He told me he liked me before asking me to prom, and ever since then I've felt sort of awkward around him. But that just might be because wherever he is, Thaddeus is usually close by. And with Thaddeus comes feelings of uncertainty and anxiousness about everything.

I love Thaddeus with a passion I don't think is good for me. It's so hard not to love him when he comes up to you during a get-together and just sits and talks to you and listens smiling as you rant about Legally Blonde, Gerard Butler's eyes, and other sappy romantic girly stuff he cares nothing about. It's hard not to love him when he calls five minutes after you leave his house and asks, "You know the way back home, right?" it's hard not to love him when he simply smiles at you for no apparent reason. Okay, now I'm getting very sappy and this whole post is going to become a waste of time if I don't put in something meaningful...

I've made an interesting discovery these past few days. As a Mormon, I am a firm believer of honesty. In fact, one of the requirements to attend the temple is to be "honest in your dealings with your fellow men." All your dealings. Mostly, I think I'm pretty good at it now. Sure, I tell a white lie once in a while, but when I do I usually catch myself and change it. I also don't cheat or take other people's things...

or do I?

The other day I was sitting in a parking lot waiting for my mom, listening to my iPod. I looked down at the song, and then I realized, "Wait a minute. I burned this song off of the CD belonging to a friend of mine. I didn't pay for it. Does that mean I STOLE the song?"

After serious thought, prayer, and after talking to parents, church leaders, and friends, I have decided that yes, burning music that was not yours in the first place into your own music library is a form of dishonesty. It's stealing, whether illegal or not. At this moment in time, I'm a little bit hypocritical because I have not gotten rid of this questionable music yet. it's SO HARD... I've gotten so used to having these cds, I don't want to just drop em now. I mean, all my My Chemical Romance CDs were burned copies of my friends' cds. Half my Nightwish, half my within temptation, all my three days grace, motion city soundtrack, matchbox 20, lifehouse, the fray, and then theres all those mixes people randomly have given me. heck, even some of my CHURCH music is burned!!!! I think for my birthday I'm going to ask people for Itunes gift cards and cash, so I can rebuy those cds. I don't feel ready to do it. But isn't real obedience doing things you don't want to do? This is the hardest sacrifice I've ever had to make for my church, and I'm still not totally sure that it's a sacrifice I simply HAVE to make.... I'm probably ranting, now. And absolutely everyone I've talked to has said that it's okay to own such music... but just because everyone SAYS it's okay doesn't mean it IS okay, right? I'm so torn!!!

One things for sure, I'm not getting any sleep tonight... it's already past one. darn it.

'Tis very late...

Okay, I know it's late... (2:12 in the morning, to be exact)

But I just wanted to brag about how well I redeemed myself today at the graduation party of a friend of mine.

Thaddeus was there and I did such a great job talking to him, even I forgot how hard it was to talk to him before. He went over and sat next to me and we talked about musicals, college, Luther Kid, his sister, marriage, tons of stuff. Helena is muy excited to see this man again, and she knows she will because she is now in the pit orchestra for the upcoming play he is in! Hooray!!

I watched "An American In Paris." I wish I was a ballerina.

Picture included: a private thing between me and thaddeus. Thunderchild has no need to comment on it. I'm just putting it up there for my own personal enjoyment.

Joy...

Wall-E

Okay, so yesterday I saw the movie Wall-E. It was SUCH a cute movie. His voice was soooo cute!!! And the plot was well-made. I recommend this movie to all who love pixar. My favorite character is Mo!!!!! (FOREIGN CONTAMINANT!!!!!) And wall-E is the CUTEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!!

Maybe the reason why I like it so much is because I saw it with Thaddeus, Luther Kid, and Bass, who are the three men in this world I admire the most. I was so happy when Luther Kid asked me to see it earlier this week. And then Thaddeus called me today asking if I wanted to come, and of course I told him yes, I was already planning on going.

I drove there myself. Isn't that sweet?!

And after the movie, we went to Thaddeus's. His house smelled good. I can't believe I was in his house. He had a messy, yet cozy basement. There were guitars everywhere. They made me play guitar hero, which is a devil game that I hate. I felt so embarrassed playing it. But yeah. Then we ordered pizza and watched random stuff on TV (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Scrubs, other crap).

The night was amazing. But at the same time, I felt REALLY insignificant. Those three would talk and talk about things I didn't understand and I felt HIGHLY out of the loop. It's very annoying when things like that happen. When it does happen, I feel like I need to do something to get them to notice me, and I end up making a fool out of myself. I REALLY want Thaddeus to keep in touch while he's out in fricking FLORIDA... But how? He does not have a facebook or myspace, I'm too afraid to call him, and he can't visit that often. Curses. Maybe it's better for him to leave, because then I can stop chasing after something that does not exist. For me.

Alright, you've heard my boy rant. This is not what I was expecting to do. All I wanted to really tell you was that Wall-E is a good movie and I drove by myself for the first time. yay.

Oh, by the way... the tomato-canadian bacon pizza at divannis was amazing. highly recommend it.

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If you haven't already concluded...

In case the last post didn't explain enough, I got my license yesterday.
The whole idea is that I worried SO much about it, but it really was easy.
I was shaking so bad during certain parts, but I still was able to do it. And I could have done it without worrying at all!!!
Phew! Glad that's done!!!

I have learned a lesson...

I have learned a wise lesson today from my road test experience. I wish to express it in a familiar song by SheDaisy called 'Don't Worry About a Thing.' My subliminal messages are in parenthesees....


Ever been misunderstood, misused, or misled
Ever knocked on the sky and had it fall on your head
well, don't worry 'bout it, don't worry
Ever lost your luggage, your marbles, your house (your iPod)
Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse (or no one at all...)
Ever been accused of murder (or anything) on Music Row
Or caught in morning traffic (or a road test) when you really gotta (wanna) go - Oh no!

Ever sat yourself down when the seat is all wet
Or see your "ex" (dearest love who you've TRIED SO HARD TO GET BUT NEVER COULD!!!) sucking face with a little brunette (READHEAD)
Don't worry 'bout it, no don't worry
Ever lost your religion, ever lost your best friend
Or found your last record in the bargain bin
Or been stuck in a divorce like crazy glue (nope, but I don't wanna.)
Or scraped someone else's gum off the bottom of your shoe - Boo hoo! (ew!)

Don't worry, don't worry
We all got a little junk in the trunk (watcha gonna do with all that junk inside your trunk?)
And when you're feelin' good as sunk
Remember, everything will be just fine
If I laugh at yours then you'll laugh at mine

Life is funny, life's a mess

Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing

Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it

Life gets sticky, life can bruise

Sometimes you win sometimes your losing

No matter what it brings

Don't worry 'bout a thing

Read the last stanza again. Memorize the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9vmC2RaQCQ. And whenever you feel down, sing it to yourself! Remember: NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS, DON'T WORRY 'BOUT A THING!!!

I fear.

I'm taking my drivers test in exactly one hour and twenty eight minutes.
Yes, I am scared.




but in other news, I met the Mormon Boy's mom yesterday and she said she recognized me because I was in a lot of his pictures. teehee.

Okay, maybe I can say more...

Seriously. What better movie than Pocahontas?
Not only is the music by Alan Menkin and Stephen Schwarz, (who are the greatest composition couple in the history of music!!!) but the STORY is so perfect!!
If you haven't gotten the drift yet, I'm into movies with serious themes that I can actually learn from. With West Side Story, the theme was race and hatred. I can say the exact same thing about this movie!! It's about two sides that are different from each other, and it is because they are different (and because one of the sides is controlled by a power-hungry governor) that they fight. And of course, we've got the couple in the middle. And of course, in the end, the couple gets separated. But that's okay because their parting provides us watchers with the tear-jerking end scene. Wow.. just thinking about it brings chills up and down my spine.
Some basic facts:
1. Pocahontas should forget John Smith and go for the lovely THOMAS instead! Really, that man is a BABE!!!! And he's so humble, too!! I'm digging Thomas. Christian Bale's voice. GAA!
2. Compasses do not do what they do in the movie. They point north. Period. Just wanna make that clear, in case any of you were wondering. Back when I was a child, I didn't quite understand that concept.
3. Governor Radcliffe... funniest part of the movie. "Successssssss willbe MIIIINNNNNNE... atlast."
4. Wiggins = second funniest character. "I like greul." "Giftbaskets!"
5. Grandmother Willow owns. No questions asked.
6. A friend of mine named Joe always goes on this spiel about Kokoum in that movie. I don't quite remember exactly what that detailed, but all I know is that whatever he says, IT'S WRONG!!!

What can you expect? the filthy little heathens
here's what you get when races are diverse! (OR their whole disgusting race is like a curse!)*
their skin's a hellish red, they're only good when dead
They're vermin as I said, and worse!
They're Savages, Savages,
Barely even human
Savages savages,
Drive them from our shore
They're not like you and me, which means they must be evil
We must sound the drums of war!
They're savages, savages,
Dirty shrieking (redskin) devils!
Now we sound the drums of war!

This is what we feared, the pale face is a demon,
They only thing they feel at all is greed.
Beneath that milky hide, there's emptiness inside
I wonder if they even bleed!
They're savages, savages,
barely even human!
Savages! Savages!
Killers at the core,
They're different from us, which means they can't be trusted
We must sound the drums of war!
They're savages, savages,
First we deal with this one,
Then we sound the drums of war!

Savages, Savages
Let's go get (kill) a few, men!
Savages, savages!
Now it's up to you men!
Savages!
Savages!
Barely even human!
Now we sound the drums... OFFFFFF... WAAAAAAAARRRR!!!
(crash!)

This will be the day!
Let's go men!
This will be the morning
Bring out the prisoner!
We will see them dying in the dust

(I don't know what I can do, still I know I've got to try)

Now we make them Pay!

(Eagle help my feet to fly!)

Now without a warning

(mountain help my heart be great)

Now we leave them blood and bone and rust

(spirits of the earth and sky)

It's them, or us

(please don't let me be to late!)

they're just a bunch of filthy stinking

Savages!
Savages!
Demons!
Devils!
KILL THEM!!
Savages, savages,
What are we waiting for?
Destroy their evil race, until there's not a trace left
we will sound the drums of war!
Savages! Savages!

(How loud are the drums of war?)

We will sound the drums of war!
Savages! Savages!
Now you see what comes
Of trying to be chums!
Now we sound the drums of WAR!

(is the death of all I love
Carried in the drumming of.... WAR!?!)

*note: the lyrics for the theatrical version, which are less harsh, appear outside the ( ). The soundtrack lyrics are in the ( ). I personally like the ( ) better because it shows just exactly what they thought of the native american people. Not just some fluffed up racism. it was hard-core. Evil. Of all the things that are kind of skewed in the movie, the most important is probably the true depth of the hatred between both races.

The Best Disney Movie Ever

Pocahontas... what more can I say?

Kung Fu Panda

Today I saw the movie Kung Fu Panda...

It was pretty good, for a Jack Black movie. I liked the turtle the best. He kind of reminded me of a robot... sort of. But he gave the coolest line: "All you have to to is believe." And JACKIE CHAN is the MONKEY! How cool is that? And it made me want noodles... and peaches... real bad.

And the music of that movie was amazing. Of course it's by Hans Zimmer, so it's gotta be good. Zimmer wrote the Pirates of the Caribbean music too and yeah, it's pretty cool.

So the Mormon Boy is now a friend of mine on Facebook!! Yay!!!

Trek Friends

Gotta tell you about a new guy I met this week on the Trek.
I'll call him the Mormon boy and he's so SWEET!! He told me I had a great spiritual gift of a good voice and he talked to me so much!!! And for once, he's a guy who's actually in my grade that I can see for a whole 'nother year!! Yay!
Other boys I met while on the trek:
The Songwriter, who is... obviously... a songwriter who loves church as much as I do. he's really nice, but is going to BYU next year. Too bad.
The Tickler. yes he tickles me a lot. I really think he likes me, actually. Which is funny because I don't necessarily HUMUNGOUSLY like him. I like the attention he gives me... plus he's really cute. But he talks about only things HE knows about... whether or not I care. I don't quite know what to think of him.
Mr. Every Hour -- a guy who has some problems in life, but was willing to go on the trek and I really admire that.
Be Still My Soul -- A guy in my company who is a recent convert who I also deeply admire. he's huge, but he's so sweet!!
some girls:
there's this girl named leslie who I won't bother renaming because she's moving soon and I won't see her again.. But she's also really cute and she really made me feel special on the trek.
The Roommate: What a cool girl. I was once really jealous of her but now I see the real her. She's strong and caring. Her dad is getting baptized! I'm so excited for both of them!
There are so many other friends I can hardly name them all! I loved this trek so much!!!
Once again... the Mormon Boy is SO cute!!!!

Trek and Sacred Ground

Kay... I've been gone for three days. There was this AMAZING priest/laurel trek I got to go to. We went down to some spots in Missouri, Iowa, and Illinois that were significant to the pioneer latter-day saints. It was a great experience. We visited Mount Pisgah, Iowa; Adam-ondi-Ahman, Far West, Liberty, and Independence, Missouri; and then there was Nauvoo and Carthage, Illinois. It was such a fun trek. I want to share with you a poem I wrote while visiting Adam-ondi-Ahman. This valley in Missouri is one of the holiest places on earth. As a member of this church, I believe that the valley of Adam-ondi-Ahman was the garden where Adam and Eve dwelt before Satan tempted them. And I also believe that it is the site for the second coming of Christ, our savior.


When we went there, we were given the opportunity to spend some time meditating, reading our scriptures, and writing in our journals. I wrote a poem that I wish to share with you now. It is my testimony of this amazing place in rhyme.

The grass was thick, the sky was clear
The crickets whistled in my ear
Each crawling creature seemed so sure
They knew exactly where they were.
They were on sacred ground.

As I approached the valley sweet,
The mud would squelch upon my feet
and though the sludge was thick and cold
That mud was worth its weight in gold
That mud was sacred ground.

All gloom and sadness did depart
The spirit poured inside my heart
And in my core his words I felt:
"This was the place where Adam dwelt.
Here on this sacred ground."

I thought, as I beheld the land
Of him who knew each grain of sand,
Of him who cared enough for me
To suffer in Gethsemane
I walk his sacred ground.

I looked about this wonderous place
the sun in heaven warmed my face
Then I remembered that same sun
Will shine upon the holy one
Here on this sacred ground.

I know not when the day will come
Or just how far I should be from
this place, but to my God I pray
That I'll return upon that day
Back to this sacred ground.

More WSS

More West Side Story Pictures... Sorry I'm obsessed.

West Side Story

Alright, I've figured out what my favorite movie is.
West Side Story... the ultimate Romeo and Juliet... without the fluff.
Holy cow this is such a great movie!! The music... every song... brings this chill up and down my spine... I love the song "somewhere!" And holy cow! Tony is such a BABE!! Not just the actor (although Richar Beymer reminds me of this really cute guy I met this past semester, whom I'd like to call the Athlete.)... the character tony is unfogivably sweet!! Both Maria and Tony are just so cute!! I totally want to be in a couple like that one!! It's really sad that people have to die in the end, but I think that's what makes this movie so wonderful. You KNOW what's going to happen. You KNOW people die, but every time you watch it, you think it will end differently. You WANT it to end differently because you love the characters so much. True love always requires hope, I think. I could watch that movie forever... and cry every time.
And holy cow, the ending! It made me feel so angry at anybody and everybody who is at all racist! Look what racism, violence, and hate leads to! It ruins love!! It's evil! And this show makes me really see it. You don't quite get that feeling in the normal "Romeo and Juliet."
I'll be posting more about this movie/musical. It's just stuck in my head, and I need to let my feelings out about it!

HAHA I GOT MY BRAIN CHECKED!

So yesterday I finished up my U of M testing and I got to get an MRI. It's like a giant magnet that takes pictures of your brain. It was about forty five minutes and for the first half hour I got to listen to the radio. (I remember hearing the songs "who knew" by pink, "paralyzer" by finger eleven, and "cool" by gwen stefani on KS95.) Anyway, it was really noisy and there were these times when I'd feel a little buzz in my head. That was just the machine "customizing" itself to fit my individual brain (every brain is different). I couldn't wear any metal in there, and it felt a little funny because of the huge magnetic field that was surrounding me. The last one was taking pictures of my brain "in resting." The guy told me I had to close my eyes and relax, but try not to fall asleep (how can you do that?) but I think I did. So did that mean I was supposed to fall asleep? Whether they wanted it or not, I began to doze a little bit. Almost too much. Afterward he asked me what I was thinking during the last scan and how long it actually took. I had no idea. I had forgotten everything... evertything, that is, except the thoughts I had about my old boyfriend, and i wasn't going to tell him THAT. So I just said I was thinking about friends from church. Hope that was enough.
So yeah. My brain was very healthy. Thanks goodness.

My Character

Okay, this is a more serious entry. I'd like to talk about me and maybe get some feedback from my (so far, only) user as well as get my words out on paper... or type.
I'd like to talk about me in relationship to others. I have recently been asked, "are you a people person?" and I don't quite know how to answer. Sure, I LIKE people, but whether or not I always enjoy their presence is another story. There are exceptions, but more often than not, I'd rather be spending what limited spare time I have doing things I enjoy doing. For me, this is reading a book, playing the piano, watching a movie, creating something or gaining knowledge. It's hard to do those things with other people because who wants to get together with a friend to READ A BOOK, and if I played the piano with some of my friends, they'd accuse me of showing off. Face it. Some things are better done alone, and I happen to really enjoy those things! Does this mean I'm not a "people person"?
At the same time, there are some things better done with groups. I can't TALK to nobody. Sure, I write things down a lot, and that's sort of like talking, but It's hard to get a response out of paper or type. When I have a question, I often ask one of my friends or my sister and they give me great advice. I can't party without friends. Most of the time, walks to the park or going out for ice cream are better done with friends.I'd hate school if my friends weren't there. And friends, as Thaddeus told me once, are things a person needs -- things a person must hold on to. Friends are helpers and supporters. And yes, sometimes my normal alone activities get boring and I want to see other people. And when I'm with them, I usually have a great time! I'm sociable. I like talking. I like hearing from others -- learning about others. If you know me at all, there are times I can't keep my mouth shut. And there are times I like to goof off, and have others goof off with me.
So what does that make me? And introvert with extrovert tendencies or an extrovert with introvert ones? Or does that make me neither? Thaddeus told me I was an introvert (but he doesn't know as much about me as he thinks he does.) Mom tells me I'm an extrovert. (But she doesn't see me at school or with my friends that often.) If any of you wish to comment, please answer that question if you can, based on what you know and see about me. What am I?
Can you stereotype a person that way at all? I mean, we all have habits, but I think people like to be balanced in their lives. Part of this balance is deterimining how and with whom you spend your spare time. We all are looking for ways to achieve this balance, aren't we?
You're probably wondering what brought this on. Well, these past few days I've been taking part in some studies on neurological development in adolescents at the University of Minnesota (that means some college kids have been checking mine and other teens' heads to see how we behave). They've asked me a lot of these types of questions and I often had trouble answering them because I don't KNOW what I want! That's part of a lot of what I try to write here. I'm trying to find myself and find a way to TOTALLY define life to the fullest ability.

Happy Dad Day!

Okay, my blog wasn't working earlier today, so I'm just checking to make sure we're still alive here.
Happy Fathers Day to you all. I'm about to go to a lake by my house and ride bikes around it with my family. It's a beautiful day and we're going to have a picnic and I'll bring Gone with the Wind and it's gonna be great! I'm excited!
Okay, maybe I'm not THAT excited, but hey, it's fathers day. And trust me, My dad deserves treatment like this, if not better. He's quite the amazing guy and he does a lot for our family. That's him as a child to the right. Ain't he cute?
Happy Dad day!

MORE MYSPACE!

Okay, MYSPACE CONFUSES ME!
There's like TEN different ways to leave messages on there!! And I can't choose which one!
It's chock full of advertisements and crap like that that I wish I didn't have!
I can't get a better background on it... which makes me angry.
I have no friends! Wah!
So yeah. That's life.

MYSPACE

Okay, I've got a myspace now. But it's so weird and I don't quite like it. it's hard to work with. Everyone else's is so personalized and cool and mine is just dumb. Plus I've only got one friend... if anyone out there knows what I can do to fix up my url, tell me because it keeps saying errors have occured and I don't know what to do...
and any cool background info would be helpful as well.
I'll work more on it later...

Thunderchild

My friend Thunderchild knows about this site. So I'd better be careful what I say on here now, because who knows who she'll be showing this to!! Hehe!! Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't look at this at all. But in case she does, I'm sorry, Thunderchild, for all the griping I do about Thaddeus and all the emo lyrics I write. That's what this blog is for. Get used to it!!
Thunderchild tried to help me get a myspace today, but my stupid computer wouldn't let me have an account! CURSES!!! What's wrong with me? Why me?!

Now Onto Something Completely Different...

Now I'm reading Gone With the Wind which is completely different from The Dark Tower Books... for one thing, it's historical fiction, realistic fiction, and it's a romance. I'm on chapter six now, and I'm actually really liking it. Thunderchild (see side panel) gave it to me and told me I HAD to read it. It's pretty good. Simple, yet good. The writing itself could be understood by a sixth grader, but it's a lengthy book (over a thousand pages) and the topic has this artificial deepness to it. It's fluffy, but it's good fluffy. Like cotton! Ha!
Sorry for my randomness.
I like the character of Scarlett O'Hara. She's a brat... But it's sort of scary how easily I can relate to her. I, like Scarlett, am in love with a guy I cannot have, and I'm trying so hard to get him, still. (Of course, I'm not as pretty as Scarlett, or as good with guys.) Speaking of Thaddeus, I haven't heard from him recently. Such is the nature of summer, I guess. He told me to call him, but I'm afraid to. That's another thing Scarlett and I don't have in common. I am not half as assertive and brave as she is. I could never survive the things she had to go through.
Anyway... I've been thinking about the good nightmare thing, and yes, you can have a good nightmare. Nightmares can be scary and terrible to experience, but then you wake up and realize it was all just a dream. Then you look back on it, and you enjoy it. Like a horror movie. Maybe I should write a song about it... Not now, but later.
PS. Isn't Clark Gable SCHMEXY?

The Dark Tower Series

Okay, so two nights ago, I finished The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King. Pretty sure it was an AMAZING series! For any out there who have the patience to read over three thousand pages of material, this book is DEFINITELY for you. There were times when I could just FLY through one of the books because things were that suspenseful. My only criticism is the ending... not HOW it ended, but how SK didn't really lead up to it in the way I wanted. The end of an epic like that needs to be BIG... REALLY big, but King didn't really make it big. There were other parts of the books (eg. the Riddles on Blaine the Mono or the death of... well I won't give too much away) that I found more suspenseful, captivating, and poignant. The suspense level of the end was sort of a let down. (I felt the same thing with the end of the fifth book, "the wolves of the calla.") Still, I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend the series to any who want a deep story. And trust me, it's deep. I laughed, I cried, I jumped up and down. I also had nightmares... good nightmares, though. (Can you have a good nightmare? hmmmm...) READ THIS SERIES!!!

While I'm on the Subject of Poetry

Just thought I might throw this in to start off my whole lyric-poetry thing:

So far, I think I'm calling it "You Were Wrong" but that is subject to change.
It's about Thaddeus and Redhead (see sidebar) and how he, in particular, is going away to college and I'll probably never see him again. Read on.

I told myself a thousand times
I needed to get over you
Then I told myself a thousand times again
I looked again at all your lies
Hypocrisies and the fits you threw
Then I told myself, 'Today's the day it ends.'
Then you look at me once more
And all the promises I made go out the door.

Did you think I could say no, did you think my heart could let you go
Even though you knew I loved you so?
Did you think I could move on, and did you think I could be strong?
Well I can't. You were wrong.

Your time to leave is finally here
I keep on begging for you to stay.
I cannot stand you leaving me
And though you gently wipe away my tears,
And you say that you'll miss me while you're away,
You'll never spend a minute grieving me.
You tell me things will be all right.
If that's true, how come I'm crying myself to sleep each night?

Did you think I could fill that hole, and keep my heart under control,
Even though you knew you held my soul?
And did you think that I could take your heavy baggage and never break?
Well, my dear, big mistake.
And did you think you could say my name and everything would be the same?
Did you think my love is just a game?
Did you ever think that when you moved away my love would end.
Well, my friend, wrong again.

Did you think you could walk all over me?
And while I'd kiss the ground before your feet
Did you think you could throw mud down on me
And I would never fuss or fight.
And did you think that I would worship you
And I'd die for you if you wanted me to
And did you think that you'd have all of me
If just once you held me tight.
Well you can. You were right.

Did you think you did no harm when you wrapped her deep inside your arms?
And you kept her warm?
Did you think I could maintain, did you think I wouldn't feel the pain.
Well, too bad. Think again.

And for so long you held me down,
I thought you had control somehow.
That's all changing now.
And now that you have come and gone
I'm learning how to be alone
And I found I have been all along.

Mormon

The one thing maybe you should know about me is that I am a music-loving Mormon. Or I guess I should call myself a music-loving member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I know what some of you are thinking. "Wait... this girl's MORMON? Ew! I'm not reading HER blog ever again!"
If you don't, that's perfectly okay. But I can tell you that I am just like any other run-of-the-mill highschool student. Just looking for acceptance and a creative outlet.
But don't Mormons do WEIRD things?
Not weird. Just common sense. I mean, how many times have people told you that you that you shouldn't swear, or do drugs, or see innappropriate movies? All the time, huh. Much of what I believe -- and therefore do -- is what kids all over the world (both Mormon and not) do anyway.
Yes, I am allowed to dance. Yes, I am allowed to eat meat (and on every day of the week, if I want to). Yes I can cut my hair, wear makeup, and pierce my ears (though I don't necessarily want to). I own an iPod. I love to watch American Idol and Monk on TV if I have the time. I hang out with tons of different people at school. I love life.

While I'm Posting, I want to give you an idea about what I exactly will post on this site. Sure, I'll post stuff like this: Long bits of material that I've strung out in paragraph form. But much of what I wish to share is poetic. Song lyrics I've written, things I have managed to create. That's why I've called my blog "What I can Manage to Form into Words." Because I'm trying as hard as I can to fully express what is on my mind. This is impossible, but I want to get close to find words that come even close to what exactly the mind is thinking. Bear with me, some of the stuff I write won't be pretty. The mind can be a scary place, and my mind is really weird. But I hope that somewhere out there, there will be someone who can relate to what I write and enjoy it. Enjoy it as much as I do.

Happy reading.

Hello All You Smart People Out There!

Greetings.

My name here is helena and I am very new to this whole blogging thing, but I would love to share my time and my (often very confusing) thoughts with you. I created this blog basically to share the feelings I have towards life in general to the public. At the same time, I know that very few people will read my words, so there is still a sense of privacy and anonymity. To all you who have discovered this blog: If there is anything you wish to say, please make a comment. I am interested in your feedback, and I hope that we can be friends.

That's all for now!